Friday, January 22, 2010

I Am Garfield.

I am tired. Exhausted really.

I think (know) I have sleep issues, so I took a test to see if I should go to sleep clinic. It told me the following:

You show symptoms of sleep apnea, a potentially serious sleep disorder. People with sleep apnea quit breathing repeatedly, often hundreds of times during their nights sleep.

You show symptoms of insomnia, which is defined as a persistent inability to fall asleep or stay asleep.

You show symptoms of narcolepsy, a life-long disorder characterized by uncontrollable sleep attacks during normal waking hours.

You show symptoms of gastroesophageal reflux, a disorder caused by acid "backing up" into the esophagus during sleep.

You show symptoms of periodic limb movement disorder, a disorder resulting in uncontrollable leg or arm movements during sleep.

It also told me that all these things will make me into a miserable, spacey, unmotivated shell of a human. This gives me hope! I will go to a sleep clinic, get hooked up to a bunch of wires and shit, and they will tell me my sleep is a mess. I know this already, as does anyone that has ever been in the same building as me while I am snoozing. BUT - I learned there is help... in the form of this:

It gets attached to a long tube that attaches to a machine that will sit beside my bed. It's going to fix my life. I swear.

I will no longer sleepwalk and break into your apartment and try to get in bed with your boyfriend after zombie walking through your place and peeing on your stoop, yell at you for stealing my voice, or threaten to drag you into the black abyss, or punch you, or kick the dog, or generally be a total creep when I am not awake to the world. Which is pretty much any non working hour of my life. The other bonus? I'm going to turn into a good person during waking hours too, cause apparently sleeping well can do this for me. Who knew I could just attach a strange apparatus to my face at night, and it would fix all my life problems?

Why didn't anyone tell me sooner?

I can't wait.

Things are really starting to look up!

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